Thursday, 10 October 2013

Post Miscarriage Trying To Conceive Misery

It is now 81 days since I found out my pregnancy was not viable. 61 days since the ERCP. And I am still waiting. Still waiting for a period, still waiting for ovulation, still waiting for a new pregnancy. My body has gone completely haywire since the miscarriage. My hormones are messed up after the miscarriage.

So far my body has had what looks like 3 failed attempts at ovulation. The symptoms have been there, changes to the cervix and mucus consistent with fertility have been there.  An apparent rise in temperature afterwards, even a close to positive ovulation test convincing me I've missed testing during my surge. But all three times my body didn't quite manage it. My hormones are still all out of whack.

Changes to the cervix and mucus are caused by high levels of oestrogen. Oestrogen also has a cooling effect on the basal body temperature (BBT). So what I believe has been happening is my oestrogen levels have risen, triggering a small rise of LH (lutenising hormone) but not enough to trigger ovulation. When the oestrogen levels have fallen my BBT has risen slightly. All very confusing and my temperatures are even harder to read as my toddler is still breastfeeding, and sometimes co-sleeping.

I feel broken.

One of the reasons I coped with the miscarriage so well was thinking I'd be pregnant again more or less straight away. And I'm not.

I think I'd cope better if my body was doing what it was meant to be doing. A period would at least be evidence my body was working even if I hadn't conceived. I'm just broken. 

Baby making sex isn't as fun as it should be when you can't be sure what your body is doing, especially when your trying to schedule it around a teething toddler. It's becoming stressful. At least with a normal cycle we'd know when it was baby making sex and when it was just recreational. Husband is starting to feel like a sperm factory and I'm confused with whether I feel horny or just think I do as I might be fertile. I just want to move on, period, ovulation or pregnancy, so things can go back to normal.

I've tested so many times. Each "failed ovulation" has had be convinced it was the real thing, resulting in testing. The empty space on the pregnancy test is a stark reminder of the emptiness of my womb.

But sometimes they haven't been completely empty. Testing so often means cheap tests. And these have a habit of leaving an evaporation line. Often I've tested and seen a faint line- not enough to convince me of pregnancy, just enough to leave me wondering if tomorrow will be the day I'll see a proper line. And every tomorrow has left me disappointed.

Yesterday I started what looks like my 4th attempt at ovulation and today rather than almost positive the LH looks actually positive. But I can't get excited. This cycle has had my hopes up too many times already.

The picture below shows the 3 "almost positive" ovulations tests that had me fooled- (well at least the first 2 did, by the 3rd I'd worked out I was most likely not actually ovulating and missing the peak for 3 times in a row!). The top test is today's proper positive and the bottom is a negative. When the instructions say as dark or darker they mean it! Though since a peak can last as little as 12 hours it is possible to miss testing at that time. With a regular cycle I'd just test multiple times a day around the time I'd expect to ovulate. But this isn't a normal cycle.

And these tests are every test I've taken since the miscarriage.A little obsessive perhaps, but the only clue I've had as to what my body is doing at the moment.

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